So I had surgery on my foot and to move around I need to use something that rolls or crutches. Using something that rolls was easy, fun even. Crutches, I freaked out using them. Even using them to go to the bathroom was difficult. I would much rather hop on one leg.
One thing to note is that I have zero muscle. So I get pretty shaky after doing any strenuous activity. There’s that against me. Another thing is that I got new glasses that improve my depth perception, and I’m still getting used to that. Add all of that with crutches, it spells disaster.
The moment I got on the crutches and looked down, the ground began to wobble and my stomach would spin. I felt so unstable, that despite being on solid smooth leveled concrete, I started teetering like I was on a see-saw. I kept saying, “Okay God, okay God. The ground is flat, the ground is flat.” I still kept teetering.
Then I began to freak-out. It was hard to breathe and I couldn’t balance myself. I knew that the ground was fine, I knew that my family would catch me if I fell, and I knew that God would give me strength to take one more step. Despite all of that, every time I looked down, the ground would shake and my freak-out cycle would begin. I felt unbalanced, scared, angry, frustrated, faithless, and a failure.
So, I was freaking-out, getting frustrated with myself for freaking-out, and going nowhere. God brought the scripture, Be still and know that I am God, to my mind. I was like, “I am still God, that’s the problem!” See to me, because I wasn’t going anywhere, I was still. But the definitions of still are: remaining in place or at rest; motionless; stationary; free from sound or noise, as a place or persons; silent; free from turbulence or commotion; peaceful; tranquil; calm.
I definitely wasn’t going anywhere, but I wasn’t motionless, silent, or calm. I kept trying to move forward, to keep going. I kept trying to not freak-out. I kept looking back at the ground.
It took God and my mom for me to stop and look up, and keep looking up. Because I was wearing new glasses that changed my depth perception, glancing up and down was making me dizzy. I get motion sickness very easily. The longer I kept looking up, and just up, the easier it was to regain my balance. It was a super simple fix, but I couldn’t process that solution because I kept going.
After a moment of breathing and keeping my head up, I was able to move steadily and get up a flight of stairs with the crutches. When I laid back down, I was able to look back on everything. At first I thought I had a faith problem. Did I not believe that God had me enough? Was I being like Peter when he walked on water?
Well, God took me back to scripture. Well, in Matthew chapter 14 verses 22 to 33, Peter asked for Jesus to bring him out onto the water. I did not ask to use crutches. I had to use them to maneuver stairs and not stain my pants. It was not a matter of faith, but of peace.
Psalms chapter 46 is a psalms about God in His present glory and how He is our refuge. It is also the Psalms that states, Be still and know that I am God. When I was freaking-out I had lost my peace, not my faith. I needed to stop and meditate on God. I needed to stop and look up.
So many times, when we feel off balance, we think we just need to power through it. We don’t. The more we keep moving, the more we keep trying, the more we keep thinking, the more unbalanced we become, until we fall and crash. But if we stopped, full on brake mode, letting silence take over, we can focus on God’s still small voice. He can give us peace, remind us that He is God. But we have to STOP.
No thinking of the next thing, no concentrating on what you know, no moving. Just stop. Be still. And look up. God is still God. He still loves you. And He is still there.
Just stop and look.
Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!Psalms 46:10 NKJV